


Don't Bend Over My Lap Or I'll Hit On You

by therealkittyanon



Category: SPN Coldest Hits - Fandom, Star Wars, Supernatural
Genre: BLOODANDCREAM BITES DEAN'S ASS, Blowjobs, Bottom Dean, Castiel smites Dean, Chaos, Crying, Daddy Kink, Destiel - Freeform, EVERYONE CRIED, Hitter Sleepover™, KAEOS IS SASSY, LIKE OMG MAYA, MAYA HAS A THING FOR SOUP'S HEAD, MAYA IS HANNIBAL, Multi, Pain Kink, Reapers, Roasting pots, SHIPHITSTHEFAN IS A NINJA, Spitroasting, THE EGG SITTER CANCELLED, Vegetables up Dean's ass, WHATABOUTTHEFISH IS BRIEFLY WHATABOUTTHEFISTING, and himself, face fucking, smiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 10:20:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7218601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therealkittyanon/pseuds/therealkittyanon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is as good as the Bohemian Rhapsody because this is not real life and not fantasy and you can't fuckiNG ESCAPE FROM REALITY AND U WILL GET NO SYMPATHY</p><p>I promise this is not an original work. It has Dean and Castiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Bend Over My Lap Or I'll Hit On You

Once upon a time, 100 years ago, it was November of 2015. Darth Vader said, "LET IT BE DONE" in a booming voice, and with a snap of his fingers there was rainbow glitter everywhere. And it was done. Whataboutthefish nodded and said in an equally soft voice, "I WILL MAKE SURE THAT IT IS DONE" and ran off to wreak havoc.

100 years later, it is June of 2016 and everyone is writing crack fics and being perverted and trolling everyone and screaming at each other.

Setaeru looks on hungrily as Dean's face is held by Castiel's angelic warrior hands as he holds Dean's head to his cock and face-fucks him. Dean is crying, big fat tears rolling down his hunter cheeks (face cheeks, not ass cheeks) as his air supply is nearly cut off. He is trying to say something. When Castiel takes his gigantic angel dick out of the hunter's mouth for a second, there is a sound. A scream of "Daddy!" And no one knows whether it's Dean or Setaeru who said the sacred word.

SupernaturalMystery306 is sitting on a throne of fruits and there are vegetables all around her feet. She is very busily shoving all the vegetables- phallic or round, she doesn't fucking care- up the ass of another Dean, who is moaning like the cheapest whore ever- cheaper than a discarded wrapper of a chocolate. What a slut.

A few feet away, there is a huge roasting pit somehow coming out of the marble floor. Maya stands there, cackling gleefully as she shoves two people into the pot in which she wants to roast them.

The two people are Soup and Souff, and they are so angry (well, it's a new thing for Soup, but Souff is used to being angry all the time) at each other for thinking Maya was innocent (in terms of being a criminal. Souff's headcanon is that Maya is the kinkiest person to walk this planet) that when they scream at each other- like a totally not married couple- they are throwing out more saliva than words. So there's a lot of spit flying around while they're getting roasted.

Which means Maya is spitroasting. But why is Maya roasting them? Because Maya is not Mayalaen. Maya is Mayabal. Maya is HANNIBAL.

Bloodandcream sits idly, done with today's session of writing boiling hot smut, so she observes everyone around her. She sees Maya brandishing the knife and she immediately thinks that there is going to be bloody- lots of blood- knife play. 

But then Maya throws the knife in the flame under the pot so that there is liquified metal under the thing. She wants liquid metal because she wants to put it on Soup's attractive head and make a mould out of it and wear the head mould so that everyone can think she is Soup. The metal may be very hot but Maya figures that it won't harm Soup because Soup is obviously way hotter than metal of all things.

Bloodandcream obviously didn't expect this- she doesn't even know why Maya did it- so she starts laughing so hard that she needs to bend over and bite her gag. But then she realizes that she forgot her gag today. So she bends over and bites the first thing she sees.

Unfortunately it is the ass cheek of the Dean that SupernaturalMystery306 was feeding. So Dean cries out in pain- but he likes it because he's a kinky veggiefucker- and he is shivering and moaning like a less cheap version of the other Dean. But then he feels something warm on his ass and he thinks that maybe he came and the come flew up to land on his ass. He turns around, tries to look past the cucumber slices that have been superglued to his eyes but he can't see anything so eventually he rips off the cucumber slices and he cries out in real pain and he doesn't like pain anymore but he still doesn't give a fuck. Until he looks at his ass and realizes that it wasn't the cream that he creamed, but blood that his making his ass wet. Bloodandcream really did a number. But the beautiful bite which shows all the indents of the teeth is so heavenly that Dean likes pain again.

But the Dean that Setaeru was ogling doesn't like pain because he is canon!Dean and canon!Dean spent fucking YEARS IN HELL and you can't expect him to like pain. So he looks over to his doppelganger because he is curious why there is so much moaning and keening and whining and he gets so fucking scared to see blood that he starts crying and sobbing and the big fat tears from earlier become HUGE OBESE tears and he runs away from Cas and he doesn't know what to do.

But then Setaeru gets really mad at him because wtf why is there no sex any longer so she grips Cas by the dick- and Cas the assfuck moans because he doesn't know the difference between Setaeru's hand and Dean's mouth BECAUSE HE JUST WANTS TO BE TOUCHED, WHAT A FUCKHOLE- and she marches him over to Dean. He realizes Dean is in pain and suddenly he is back to being  the good little angel who loves Dean and only Dean so he gives lots of aftercare and shit like that because he's a classy angel with a sassy hunter.

There is so much death in the room and not because anyone is dying but because everyone's soul is leaving their bodies and getting shoved into one big immortal body called DestielTrash so suddenly Reaperlove has to make an appearance.

She is worried at first but then there is a chair A VERY COMFY CHAIR and who would pass up the opportunity to sit in such a chair? So she just sits down and then looks at the Dean and Cas who are getting sappy on each other after fucking like rabbits. Speaking of rabbits there is a carrot that the other Dean is shoving up his ass now that SupernaturalMystery306 has joined that immortal automaton thing which showed up out of nowhere moments before Reaperlove appeared. Reap suddenly spies scrambled eggs sitting innocently next to the roasting pit/pot and there is paprika too. So she starts talking to the Dean with the carrot about how much paprika is too much paprika.

Copaceticbrainbox appears out of nowhere and then she picks up a laptop and starts trolling and leaving ten plus comments on every entry for June. Except the platypus' fic. Because Copaceticbrainbox is a nice individual who loves little anonimals and she doesn't hate them and she loves them and doesn't hate them so she doesn't sabotage them. She doesn't even want to sabotage kitty anon.

Platypusanon suddenly calls her on the phone and she accepts the call and puts it on speaker mode and everyone can hear about how the Platypus is looking for the next flight home to Australia because their egg sitter cancelled. Like wtf that's so mean.

Duxk walks into the room because she heard her precious Soup was getting roasted so she goes there but doesn't find Soup (she doesn't know that the soup inside the pot was the body of Soup which Soup has left in order to join the DestielTrash) so Duxk is sad. But then she sees the Dean with the bloody ass and she takes out all the rubber duckies that she keeps in her pockets. She floats ALL THE DUCKIES in the river of Dean's blood and the ducks turn into blooducks which are really just DUCKS WITH BLOOD because Duxk is an innocent chap who doesn't realize it's blood and not food coloring.

Suddenly a wheelie bin rolls into the room at full speed and crashes against the wall. Two things fly out- a person and a pea pod. The pea pod falls into the roasting pit's soup because of impact and the person lunges at it. The person jumps into the pot and searches around until her fingers close around a pea pod. She picks it out triumphantly and waves it around. She then jumps out and throws the pea pod on the ground. The peo pod turns into a person. No the pea pod is not a pokemon but just a shaPEAshifter. The heroic one is Rabidbinbadger and the not-pokemon is Pod7et. Pod7et doesn't know why Rabidbinbadger was kind to her and asks her that. So Rabidbinbadger gets tears in her eyes and talks in a heavy voice, "WE WROTE SO MANY COLLABS LAST TIME, DID YOU REALLY THINK I'D LET YOU DIE?!?!?!?!?! AT THE HANDS OF MAYABAL? Speaking of Mayabal where is Mayaaaa?" Obviously being emotional makes the badger scream.

They can hear Maya's lovely voice through the automaton robot body thing so they both go near it. Then they both go near it and suddenly their souls are sucked inside the DestielTrash. Inside it they are all talking and by now they're calling it the Soul Sucker instead of DestielTrash because they come up with super creative and super natural names.

Reap is still talking to the Dean who doesn't know any fucking thing about what she's saying but he's nodding and pretending to listen because he's a good boy. Kaeos walks in through the door, strutting on her 22 inch heals- which is bigger than the dick of Cas- and she looks at all the shit that has evidently gone down in the room and grins. Her grin makes all the curtains flap with invisible wind and dust clouds fly up. The grin is pure CHAOS. So she thinks that her work is done and she moves her lazy butt out of the room and goes off to make more chaos everywhere else. Then she magically reappears there and sits next to Reap and listens about the reaper's Papreapka tirade.

Then there drops from the sky a lantern and shatters and glass is everywhere and KAEOS CAN'T STOP SMILING BECAUSE THERE IS EVEN MORE CHAOS NOW. And out of the lantern comes an individual who calls themselves IDIOTSLANTERN because they're really just a lantern spirit who's on FIIIIIRE.

Idiotslantern proceeds to sit next to the long forgotten Copaceticbrainbox and they both start leaving ten thousand comments on each fic. Idiotslantern clicks Kitty anon's fic and is about to click the kudo button and comment when they are seized by gut wrenching guilt. So they close kitty's fic without giving them points.

Then walks in the badass Dadstiel-and-Sammy and starts shooting at the DestielTrashSlashSoulSuckah because she wasn't invited. The thing picks her up and shoves her down its throat. So she's there too joining the party.

Kraellyk walks in and starts dancing around on a bed of tentacles because that's something new and funny and pretty soon Copaceticbrainbox and Idiotslantern and Kaeos are dancing along.

The new hitters also walk in and look around uselessly. But one of them, called Fic_Me_Senseless aka Undeadandinbed snaps her fingers and a bed comes out of nowhere and certain boxes rain down from the sky. Kaeos is literally in heaven. Any more chaos and Kaeos will be pseudo-orgasming.

Undeadandinbed joins the dance party and busts out some pretty cool moves that involve juddling the boxes and jumping around like a bunny.

Hit_The_Books walks in like a ganstah dragging all the dreams from the bunker with them and starts flirting aka hitting on the books that have appeared out of the dreams.

Shiphitsthefan FUCKING NINJAS THEIR WAY INTO THE ROOM and start popping confetti. Omgishipdestiel starts screaming their own name and everything is beautiful and festive.

All the anons stand in a single file next to the wall and the C0ld Anon grins an evil grin which is evil enough to rival Kaeos'. Shiphitsthefan looks back and then there is a scream of "AIYEEEEE" and Shiphitsthefan vanishes like a FUCKING NINJA.

Suddenly it is too much. IT IS TOO MUCH OH IT IS TOO MUCH AND REAPERLOVE CAN'T TAKE IT.

She is hit by the urge to feel so guilty because it was her duty to be a reaper and not talk about paprika!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO SHE GETS UP FROM HER COMFY CHAIR AND GETS SO ANGRY AT DEAN WHO'S STILL MOANING LIKE A PROSTITURE AND SHE BRINGS DOWN HER POINTY BOOT'S HEEL ON HIS ASS WHERE  **BLOODANDCREAM BIT HIM AND DEAN FUCKING** H O W L S.

The Dean+Cas pair that were having fun with aftercare get so freaked out that Cas smites Dean and then himself.

Reap's anger goes out like a flame when she smells more death- ANGEL DEATH AND ANGEL LUST (something along the lines of LA PETITE MORT)- and then she's like "WTF I NEED TO DO MY JOB."

And takes out huge garden shears and starts jumping around the DestielTrash (Rabidbinbadger has fallen in love with that term) and hacks and chops at it.

She wants to avenge all her friends, is that too much to ask? And maybe she's also doing it because she wants to do her job like a good reaper.

Suddenly someone boops her on the back of her head and she freaks out and accidently choPS OFF THE DESTIELDRASH'S DICK AND OUCH IT  **HURTS SO MUCH**  BUT THEN HUUUUGE PIECES OF METAL START FALLING OFF AND IN THE END ALL THE SHIPPERS ARE OUT and the DestielTrash is no longer alive.

A lone tear slides down the badger's fluffy cheek and the pea pod comforts it.

There is a metal cap left on Soup's head AND IT'S THE ONLY PIECE OF DESTIELTRASH THAT SURVIVED  **OMG IT'S A RELIC**  but of course all Maya can think of is stealing it because it is somehow a PERFECT MOULD OF SOUP'S PRETTY HEAD  **LIEK OMG CAN U BELEAV IT**.

Reap is like "okay who cares if this was not my intention like at least they're all out right?"

She turns around and comes face to face with Copaceticbrainbox who looks like they're a kid who got caught with their jar in a hand or in this case who got caught while they were heading someone on the boop.

Reap just smiles and doesn't say anything because it made the job easier.

But the shippers don't have any bodies anymore so they all turn to tumblr icons and message boxes and ask boxes and there are useless anon messages in everyone's ASK BOX. Wink wink nudge nudge.

Oh and they also turn to ao3 accounts. That totally makes sense so shut your huge mouth.

Suddenly there is a cold wind and the temperature drops and everyone looks at Kaeos who was here all along regardless of whatever is said. She looks at them and sassily says, "WHY U LOOKING AT ME BITCHES?"

Then Whataboutthefish walks in. She looks smug and says, "AH SO YOU GOT CAUGHT UP IN THIS DIDN'T YOU? MUAHAHAHAHA."

And there is NO SIGN OF ANY DEAN AND CAS AND  **HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE WHEN THEY WERE HERE A MINUTE AGO**  and it turns out that they were all minions of Whataboutthefish and they were used to lure in perverts like Setaeru and SupernaturalMystery306 who tag each other in creepy posts.

Everyone cried that night. They let down their hard exteriors and cried freely. Then Kaeos cleaned up the room with her magical powers and everyone curled up and slept happily and contently on the floor. They had a Hitter Sleepover™.

100 years later, on June 19 2016, Kitty Anon cackles as they take off their Darth Vader mask.

Whataboutthefisting sits and sips on her tea and occasionally joins in on the cackling.

Someone opens the door and walks in and joins them.

Fish and Kitty fill her in on the successful mission.

Then she says in a regal and royal voice, "You both may scram. Don't come back here till I ask you to."

Fish and Kitty both tremble fearfully and say, "YES, OUR QUEEN, OUR ROYAL MA'AM, WE WON'T COME BACK HERE."

She smiles but then glares at them, "SCRAM."

They do that.

She leans back into the comfy beanbag.

"Wow, this was great."

Then she gets a call from Spoopernaptime. She grins because she was waiting for Spooper to call her. Because she had called the Spooper first but had not received any response because the Spooper was a busy individual with sporadic schedules. She picks up the phone and puts it on speaker mode for no fucking reason other than the fact that she knows that Spooper might shriek into her ear.

She says, "Hello? It's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet, Spoopeh?"

Spoopernaptime is so elated that she can only open and close her mouth for an hour before she predictably shrieks, "YES, MY DEAR ZED, YES MY GEEK, YES MY GEEK-KITTY!"

**Author's Note:**

> Special shout out to my buddy Platypus Anon who was patient with me and read this fic for me and gave the title and overall was a darling even though they had to go sit on their eggs and were very busy. THANK YOU PLATY.
> 
> Written for [Spn coldest hits](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com) and if any of u dare to comment or leave kudos I will make u regret it so much that u will wish you were in the DestielTrash.
> 
> "Please indicate which three promots you are using at the top of the fic." Top of the fic? No. Dean is a bottom so my prompts are at the end. Rainbow glitter, Dean and Star Wars.
> 
> PEACE OUT HITTERS AND DON'T U FUCKIN COMMENT OR I'LL SHOVE A HOT POKER UP DEAN'S ASS AND MAKE U WATCH.


End file.
